I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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