I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
