omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
