I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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