I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
