I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
