so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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