Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
