Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
