i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
