Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
