I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
