True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
