I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
