I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
