the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
