is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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