Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
