The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
