I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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