If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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