this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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