i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
