WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
