after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
