I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
two words...techno handjob
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
