i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
