literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
