fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
