The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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