I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Randomize
