my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
