i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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