She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
