I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
