I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
