god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
