The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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