People in love make me want to vomit
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
