Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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