you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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