i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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