Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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