1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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