My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
