yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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