I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
