my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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