Where is the hickey?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
