I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
