god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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