i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Your penis caused this!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
