If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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