I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
