Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She told me I should be a condom model.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
